I Stay in an Unhappy Relationship for the Sake of the Children — Where the Mistake Lies

Childhood & Its Effects

It seems to me that the answer to this question is obvious, but since many people (mostly women) in such situations are often trapped by social norms and believe in the illusions of their own mind, I will still leave my explanation here as to why this is a mistake. Of course, I am only expressing my opinion, and you may agree or disagree with it.

Let us imagine two common scenarios.

In the first case, the father or stepfather shows open aggression and cruelty in the family. He may beat, humiliate, or intimidate his wife. Situations where the aggressor is a woman also occur, but less frequently, so here the focus is mainly on men.

In the second case, there is no obvious physical aggression, but there is still an unhealthy psychological atmosphere — for example, indifference toward each other, frequent arguments, infidelity, emotional coldness, or perhaps one of the parents abuses alcohol.

In such situations, some women say: “I would have left him long ago, but I endure it only for the sake of the children,” or “I will wait until the child turns 18, and then I will get divorced.” All of this is explained by the desire to preserve the image of a “standard family,” where the child has two parents. But in reality, there are more reasons — they are simply uncomfortable to admit, both to oneself and to society.

It is important to understand the real reasons, rather than explaining everything as a desire to make things better for the children. Most often, these are fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of leaving the comfort zone and entering the unknown, fear of financial difficulties, since raising a child alone may seem harder (this is what your mind tells you, but it is not always true), fear of judgment from friends and relatives, and fear of not finding a new relationship (because not everyone is willing to take responsibility for someone else’s children). The longer you endure this situation, the more additional problems accumulate on top of these fears: emotional exhaustion, a sense of helplessness, psychological and physical health issues. It is necessary to work with these fears and problems directly, rather than hiding from them behind the idea of caring for the children. First of all, it is important to realize that if you already feel bad in this relationship and are forced to endure it, it may continue for your entire life. Are you sure you can endure this? Are you sure your children can endure this?

Now, regarding the desire to make things “better” for the children. They will not be happy in an unhealthy psychological atmosphere. They will not be happy if they see that their parents do not love or respect each other. They will not be happy if they see their mother or father constantly upset and exhausted. Living in an unhealthy psychological environment develops into deep emotional trauma that settles in the subconscious and later affects the person’s entire adult life. And not every adult is able to recognize that the cause of their current problems lies in childhood trauma.

Moreover, children may perceive their parents’ unhealthy relationship as normal — as an example, as a role model — and repeat similar patterns in their own future. They may choose a similar partner or behave the way their parents behaved. In other words, your child may not only develop emotional trauma but may also potentially become someone who inflicts emotional trauma on others.

Therefore, by choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship “for the sake of the children,” the parent is not helping the children but harming them. He or she is helping themselves, remaining in an unpleasant but familiar stability instead of taking action and changing their life. However, a child will grow into a happier and more psychologically stable person if their parents — or the one parent they live with — are happy, and the home environment is healthy. This is far more important for a child’s development than a false external image of a family with two parents who do not love or respect each other, and who are so consumed by arguments, resentment, and endless problems that they have no time or emotional energy left for the child. In such an environment, the child may even be perceived as an additional burden.

And, of course, from the perspective of energy and spiritual development, such a choice does not contribute to growth — it prevents it. It does not give energy, but takes it away. It takes energy both from the person who stays in such a relationship for the sake of the children and from the children themselves.